I Try
by Maaya
Summary: Complete. The war is over and Duo is uncertain about what he should do now. 1x2 songfic.
1. First Verse

This is something I came up with in school, during a two hours long free- period when my absentminded friends made the homework they didn't know we had in English. Apparently, I was the only one to hear when out teacher told us to read 3 chapters in a strange (and boring) book called "Snake River". *confused shrug* It's bad, I know, but this is what you write when you hear people around you talking about everything between heaven and earth.  
  
Pairing: 1+2+1  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the character or the song. The song, "I try" belongs to Macy Gray, though I only used the first verse from it.  
  
There is going to be three short parts in this story, one for each verse from the song, so if you liked it please check in later and see if the other parts have arrived. They are probably going to be out soon, since I'm planning to write on the four hour long train-trip to my grandmother. If I finish them then, I'll be home to post them on Tuesday, I think. Maybe Wednesday.  
  
Duo POV  
  
//Lyrics//  
  
^^^^^^^^^^  
  
I Try - The First Verse by Maaya  
  
^^^^^^^^^^  
  
//Games, changes and fears  
  
When will they go from here  
  
When will they stop//  
  
The war was over. Over. Simple word, huh? And yet, it means so much, especially for us - the pilots and Relena. I'm not saying that other people, civilians, aren't happy - it's peace after all but when you have fought for something this much, it feels strange and still - I'm glad. Very glad. There is only one problem - we all have to go our own ways. Alone. Meaning that we have to part.  
  
The easiest way would probably have been to run away, to disappear in the darkness like I usually do, but something held me back. Friends. Say the word out loud and taste it. Friends. The 'r' rolls on your tongue and it gives a sweet, yet bitter taste to the word. Like dark chocolate with mint or coffee with chocolate-taste and milk.  
  
It was a long time ago I had friends like this; Quatre, Trowa, Wufei, Relena, Hilde and Heero. They are all my own age. Then there are Sally, Noin and Howard. We'll probably all keep in touch and all that but I hate to part anyway. I have this sinking feeling that I will be lonely, wherever I go.  
  
After the last fight, we were brought to one of Quatre's fancy estates somewhere in the Arabian Desert (I'm not really sure where) to rest and heal. Sally Poe, our doctor, said it was best for us to stay on earth for a while. Something about the air being good for us. Bullshit. This God awful hot air can't be good for anyone except maybe Rashid and the guys who are used to it.  
  
Personally, I don't understand how Quatre can like the climate here. With his fair skin I thought that he'd get as red as a tomato after a week here. Not so. It was Trowa who had the bad fortune.  
  
I have to admit that it was pretty damn funny to see his red face, half hidden by his brown bangs. I never thought I would see the day when he glared, constantly. If I as much as giggled when he was near by, he quickly turned to face me and stared at me until I stopped.  
  
As I said, it was pretty damn funny.  
  
But now, we have to part, every single one of us.  
  
//I believe that fate has brought us here  
  
and we should be together  
  
But we're not//  
  
The one I'll miss the most is probably Heero, old suicidal, dangerous Heero. I didn't figure it out until he almost died to save the earth and at that time, I was too scared to say anything. I honestly thought that I would cry when I realized that he was okay.  
  
I love Heero Yuy. Goddamn it!  
  
I love his eyes, I love his face. I love his stern eyes and I love his way of being. I love the way he looks at every day things with a special kind of admiration in his blue eyes, only showing when he thinks there is no one nearby. I saw him staring at a toy-car like that once. It's like he has never seen and enjoyed those childhood games and plays and is ashamed because of it. I even love the way he walks when he rounds that corner of the white house with red draperies at the sixth street from Quatre's estate.  
  
I have fallen hard, and I know it. Sue me.  
  
If I don't work up my courage enough to tell him what I feel, I'll loose him forever. I have no idea what he is going to do now after the war, he refuses to say anything, but I know that once he is gone I'll never see him again.  
  
We all know that.  
  
I sighed, shifted position to rest my chin in my left hand, and resumed to stare out of the window. The sun was high on the sky and it was almost unbearably hot, even in the shadows, especially for me who wears black. I showered a while ago, a nice cool shower, but my hair is already as dry as dust. Or Trowa's sense of humor.  
  
Staring at the sand that was reflecting the sunlight was beginning to hurt my eyes and I wondered where I had left my sunglasses. After considering going and looking for them, I decided that it was way too hot to go somewhere so I settled with closing my eyes to rest them. The blackness my eye lids gave them was welcomed.  
  
//I play it off but I'm dreamin of you  
  
I'll keep it cool but I'm fiendin.//  
  
When I opened my eyes again, I almost fell out of the chair I was sitting in. Heero was standing in my room, watching me with unreadable eyes. His expression didn't waver when he realized that I had seen him and for some reason, it annoyed me.  
  
"Why don't you ever knock, Yuy?" I asked, refusing to give in to my curiosity about what he was doing here. He never came to me, I came to him. I don't even think he had been in my room before, because his eyes scanned around in it for a few seconds. He did it so quick that only a fellow gundam pilot could have noticed it.  
  
The answer was simple. He shrugged a non commenting shrug.  
  
Have you ever realized how many different shrugs there are in the whole wide world? There is the warning shrug, the smiling shrug, the apologetic shrug and of course, there was Heero's favorite, the non commenting shrug. The one that doesn't tell you a fuck about what the 'shrugger' feels about the situation.  
  
I lifted my chin from my hand and let the latter fall down on the table, resting it on the sun-warmed wood as I turned around slightly in my chair to get a better look at him. "Well, what is it?"  
  
I feared that he would shrug again; it would have made it hard to keep up a conversation if he did, but luckily for me he didn't. He spoke and the words surprised me, even though I knew I had been preparing to hear them someday. "I'm leaving."  
  
I hoped that the disappointment was kept unheard in my voice as I answered. I felt my heart beat faster and faster for ever second as I tried to perk myself up enough to say something, to say what I felt.  
  
..I want you to stay I love you I want to go with you I will miss you can't you wait for a while it's peaceful here we want you to stay I want you to stay.. It didn't make any sense, not even in my own brain. "Why now?"  
  
He had a hand resting in one of his pockets of his baggy jeans (don't ask me how he managed to wear jeans in this heat) and I saw how the fist began to clench. I didn't know why, I couldn't possibly understand what I had said to anger him. I thought that maybe, maybe he was nervous.  
  
"It's time."  
  
Oh, yeah. It was time. Sure. I repeated my earlier question with slight mocking in my voice. "Why now?"  
  
He looked confused for a while, frowning a little, almost unnoticeable underneath his brown bangs. God, how I wanted to tell him that I loved him.  
  
His new answer on my question caused my heart to begin to crack. "I'm not needed here."  
  
I felt lonely and stupid, but worst of all.. I couldn't come up with anything to say. I felt my mouth open slightly as I dropped my chin, but I managed to catch it before it hit the floor. The only thing I knew was that I couldn't tell him that I loved him. I just couldn't force myself to say it. Instead, I did the only thing I came up with. I stood up and walked past Heero and out of the room with swift motions.  
  
I couldn't bear to be the one to be left behind again so I did the thing that was just a little bit better, though not much. I decided to be the one to leave people behind. I desperately wished that he would miss me.  
  
"Where are you going?"  
  
//I try to say goodbye and I choke  
  
I try to walk away and I stumble//  
  
His quietly spoken words stopped me in my track and I couldn't turn around when I answered. "I'm leaving." It was funny, but in my confused way of thoughts, I didn't notice that I imitated his earlier statement.  
  
"Why now?" He asked.  
  
"It's time."  
  
//Though I try to hide it it's clear  
  
My world crumbles when you are not near//  
  
I began walking again, down the corridor, past those paintings and expensive statues that Quatre seem to worship and left him standing alone in my room. I could ignore him standing there, but I couldn't ignore the horrible feeling that pained my chest every time I thought of him.  
  
I realized that leaving someone behind was just as bad as being left behind.  
  
//Goodbye and I choke  
  
I try to walk away and I stumble  
  
Though I try to hide it, it's clear  
  
My world crumbles when you are not near//  
  
^^^^^^^^  
  
End Part One  
  
^^^^^^^^ 


	2. Second Verse

I wrote this on the train to grandma - four hours is a long time.. Luckily, I sat beside a gorgeous guy who was sleeping, so if this doesn't make sense it's because I was too busy checking him out.. *blushing*  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters from Gundam Wing, or the song "I Try" by Macy Gray.  
  
Beta-ed by sailor. c ryoko  
  
^^^^^^^^  
  
I Try - Second Verse  
  
^^^^^^^^  
  
//I may appear to be free  
  
But I'm just a prisoner of your love//  
  
Jeez, when I do something, I do it throughout, okay? It's both a good and bad side I have, steadfast in my personality.  
  
I had told Quatre I wanted to leave. He was surprised but something made him understand that I was upset and very serious about my decision, so he ordered one of his merry men to drive me to the nearest space-port. I took a cheap shuttle to one of the L2-colonies and just.. wandered around for a while - doing nothing. I thought about how I had run away and decided that it was what I have always done, run and hide. So sue me.  
  
After a while I realized that walking on an empty tummy wasn't good so I began doing some small jobs for money. No - don't get me wrong. I never whored myself nor did I do anything out of law. I fixed cars and such. Very funny. Don't you dare to laugh at me.  
  
Why I went to L2, you might ask me about. The answer is simple - I know those colonies. I know how to act, I know how other acts. I know how people speak and I know how I should speak to be accepted. I know the rules.  
  
Hell, my way of speaking reeks of L2, or more precisely, L2-slang. It makes me even more comfortable about being here. I'm not one to be embarrassed about who I am, but I still like to be in places where people are like me - or maybe where I am like?  
  
I stayed at an old motel during that time, one that was badly taken care of. It's those that 'you-have-to-look-in-your-shoes-in-the-morning-to-see- if-there-are-any-rats-there' kind of bad.  
  
Yuck. I hate rats.  
  
It's not like I'm not used to them, but I don't necessarily have to *like* them now do I?  
  
That's what I thought.  
  
On my free time I could sometimes play street-basket with some.. kids in my age. They were mostly street-rats and way older than any 'normal' kid but still, I felt as if I was way beyond their age. One of the perks of being a gundam pilot, I guess.  
  
But yet, something was missing. I missed my friends.. and Heero. I hadn't called them or contacted them in any way since I left so I figured that they were kinda wondering about where I was and what I was doing now. Well, I *hoped* they were wondering about that anyway.  
  
I decided to call Quatre. Since the shitty motel I was staying at didn't have phones of any kind, I used a phone-booth. It was dark outside by the time I finally forced myself to call and the streetlamps' lights were reflected in the slightly wet asphalt, giving it all some kind of bad horror movie-feeling.  
  
I dialed the number and waited as signal after signal was heard and went into silence again, unanswered. Finally, on the tenth signal and just before I was on my way to push the button that would stop the call, Quatre answered.  
  
He appeared on the screen, looking flushed and annoyed, the blue eyes slightly glossy. I had this uncomfortable feeling that I had interrupted something.. something important. My bad timing never fails me. Hooray.  
  
Quatre's annoyed face softened when he saw who it was that had called this late in the night. "Duo!" He exclaimed and I couldn't help but grin at how relieved he looked. "Are you okay? Where are you?"  
  
Trowa appeared on the screen, also flushed and his chest was bare. It made me wonder about the lower parts.. "Duo." He interrupted my thoughts with the calm greeting and I forced my mind away from all the perverted thoughts.  
  
//I may seem alright and smile when you leave  
  
But my smiles are just a front//  
  
I hoped I wasn't blushing as I scratched the back of my head, my laugh sounding slightly sheepish. "Uhh, hi, both of you. I'm on L2, I'm okay.. bye!" I had planned to hang up after that, but something Trowa said made me pause.  
  
"How's Heero?"  
  
Caught by surprise, I stared at my friends who, alarmed by my shock, stared back. "Why do you ask me?"  
  
//I play it off but I'm dreamin' of you  
  
I'll keep my cool but I'm fiendin'//  
  
"What are you talking about?" It was Quatre who spoke, frowning.  
  
"Well, what are *you* talking about?" I was getting confused and maybe slightly angry about the fact that they had mentioned Heero. I wanted to ignore and forget about him. "Why should he be with me?"  
  
"He's gone and we assumed that he went after you."  
  
I choked on my chewing gum, a big one with cherry-flavor, and I started coughing in desperate attempts of trying to get air. Out of the corner of my eyes, I caught glimpses of Quatre's and Trowa's confused faces on the phone screen. I gave them some helpless waves with my hands as I continued to cough and cough and surprisingly enough, cough even more.  
  
Just as I was about to get dizzy, I managed to swallow the gum and I took some deep breaths of fresh air to be able to relax again and maybe gather some of dignity. Needless to say, I felt embarrassed.  
  
"What *are* you doing?"  
  
"Sorry Quatre, choked on my gum."  
  
"Gum?"  
  
I tapped my fingers against the Plexiglas of the phone-booth, wanting to get away from the subject. "Chewing gum, what else?" Before he had a chance to reply, I continued. "Now, please tell me why you thought Heero was with me!"  
  
"He left about an hour after you did so we guessed he was following you."  
  
"And just why did you assume that?"  
  
Quatre shrugged, looking helpless. "I just assumed.."  
  
I interrupted him, feeling angry. "Yeah, yeah, just leave the subject, please?" The 'please' in the sentence came out more ironic than intended. "I have to go. Bye." I hung up before either of them had a chance to say anything. It felt good to hit the button harder than necessary just to let some of the anger out, but it wasn't good for my fist. I swore.  
  
As I made my way down the wet street, I was fuming, either from frustration, irritation or anger - I couldn't decide.  
  
So Heero was gone. And the guys had thought he was with me. They had absolutely no right to assume that, had they? A fact that didn't matter was that somewhere in my mind, I had wished they had been right.  
  
But where was he?  
  
Since I for some reason didn't want to go back to the motel, I decided to go to a small coffee shop I had been to regularly these few weeks I had spent on this colony. I had, and still have, a weak spot for their cappuccino. So I'm a caffeine-addict. Sue me.  
  
It was chilly outside, windy, and my arms were covered in goose-bumps by the time I finally arrived to the shop. I opened the door and entered, feeling better as the air and smell of coffee hit me like a pleasant wall of warmth.  
  
Arnaldo, the owner of the shop, stood at the counter, cleaning the concrete with an old rug that looked.. disgusting. I don't want to get into the details here.  
  
Two girls sat together in one of the corners, talking lowly to each other without looking up as I entered, and I ignored them as completely as they had with me.Arnaldo though, lit up when he saw me. "Maxwell! What do you want this late in the night?"  
  
I shrugged. "The usual. And, for goodness sake, in a washed cup this time!"  
  
He shrugged back, as if to mock me slightly. "My mugs are always clean, Maxwell."  
  
"Believe what you want." I rolled my eyes as I leaned against the counter, watching him as he filled a cup with cappuccino before giving it to me. Arnaldo could sometimes remind me of Howard, they were of the same kind - old and smart, but in a strange way, also cool.  
  
I stayed at the counter, sipping at my coffee and quietly speaking with the old man. After a while, the girls left, leaving me as the only customer in the shop. Since I had 'lost' my earlier chewing gum, I bought a new packet now - this time with apple flavour. Well, I had believed that it was apple, but when the coffee was drank and I took a gum, it turned out to be lime. I absolutely hate lime. Grimacing, I chewed on it as I looked around for a rubbish bin. I didn't find one.  
  
In the middle of a heated conversation about the size of a perfect ice- cream, the door to the shop opened. A young man entered, dressed in blue jeans and a long, black coat. The unruly brown bangs hung over the Prussian blue eyes, giving him a mysterious look.  
  
Yup - you guessed it. It was Heero Yuy.  
  
It was pretty damn ironic, wasn't it? Here I was, trying to be as far away from him as possible since I was to much of a coward to tell him what I felt, and of course, I had to meet up with him - out of coincidence - in a small coffee shop on a L2-colony.  
  
//I try to say good bye and I choke  
  
I try to walk away and I stumble//  
  
We stared at each other in a sudden moment of confusion before something slid down my throat. You guessed it, it was my chewing gum and it made me choke.  
  
Promising myself to never buy chewing gums again, I broke mine and Heero's eye contact as I began coughing. Ever choked on a big gum with lime- flavor? It's not a pleasant experience, not the least, I'll tell you that.  
  
With a *very* strong feeling of déja vu, I saw Heero and Arnaldo watching me with confused expressions.  
  
I continued to cough.  
  
After a moment, they seemed to realize what was going on and I felt someone slap me on my back with an open palm until the gum came up. I spat it out on the floor, not really bothering if an old lady would step on it tomorrow or not, as I was too busy with breathing and..thinking about what I should say to Heero.  
  
When I finally dared to look up, I was met by Prussian eyes looking into my own violet ones in concern. I got this sudden urge to blush like an young school girl. For short, I felt embarrassed. "Thanks." I managed to say in a half-choked voice, hoping I wasn't crimson in my face.  
  
"No problem." He sounded cool, as always.  
  
"Uhh, what are you doing here?" I couldn't help but ask.  
  
He shrugged another one of his non commenting shrugs and I just wanted to scream in frustration.  
  
We stared at each other for a while as neither one of us seemed to find anything useful to say. I thought about asking where he had been, why he was here and, more importantly, if he wanted to stay, but before I had a chance to gather my courage, Arnaldo spoke up.  
  
"You two know each other?" He asked in his slightly accented English, looking back and forth between us.  
  
"Yeah." I said shortly before turning to Heero. "Want some coffee?" My voice sounded harsher than intended.  
  
He shrugged again (Jeez) but just as I opened my mouth to order something, he spoke up. "Where do you live?"  
  
"At the motel 'round the corner."  
  
"Can we go there?"  
  
"Sure." I felt confused.  
  
//Though I try to hide it it's clear  
  
My world crumbles when you are not near//  
  
^^^^^^^^^^  
  
End Second Verse  
  
^^^^^^^^^^ 


	3. Third Verse

*blushing* I messed up in this part, didn't I? This is my first attempt at writing sap, so..*sigh* It's crappy, okay?  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own Gundam Wing or any of its characters nor do I own this song.  
  
Beta-reader: sailor c. ryoko  
  
//Lyrics//  
  
*******  
  
I Try - Third Verse  
  
*******  
  
//Here is my confession May I be your possession//  
  
Heero wasn't impressed by my place, but I can't really say that I blame him. Not even I, who grew up on the streets in the worst slum area on L2, had been very happy with the place. That says a lot, you know.  
  
The subject of my affections looked around in the small space that was my present kitchen, with an almost bored expression on his face. I, for that matter, was standing behind him - not really knowing what I should do. I could feel how my hands got wet from sweat but still, they were as cold as ice. Great - I was in a cold sweat and I didn't even know why.. no, scratch that. I knew why I was in a cold sweat, but it didn't feel like a good enough reason.  
  
"Want something?" I asked, hoping to get away from my thoughts. "I have.. uhh.. coffee and soda and water." I knew beforehand that he was going to say water so I filled a glass with the clear liquid and gave it to him before he had a chance to answer my question. He took the glass without saying anything, just mumbling something similar to a quiet 'thanks'.  
  
I took a glass of soda to myself before sitting down by the small table in the centre of the room. "Now, what the hell are you doing here?"  
  
He took a sip of his water and I did the same with my soda. You know the tactic, don't you? Take a sip of your drink, think about what you should say, keep the liquid in you mouth as long as possible, before swallowing and answering the question. Simple. [1]  
  
"Looking for you."  
  
I almost choked on my drink when I heard that statement. I'm not really sure what I had expected, but his answer surprised me anyway. Also, note that I said 'almost' choked on my drink. I didn't - if I had I'd be very sore in my throat by now. Two times a day is enough, thank you very much.  
  
"Oh.. why?" It wasn't the smartest retort I could have given but it was at least an honest question.  
  
I was suddenly aware of the fact that he was still standing, so I motioned with my hand for him to sit down. He ignored that gesture and remained standing so I shrugged. It was hiss loss anyway.  
  
//Boy I need your touch Your love kisses and such//  
  
"Don't know." He said, looking down in the water.  
  
I was hit by a realization - he didn't understand. He didn't know a thing about me nor himself. He came here because he acted on his emotions - just like Odin once told him to do. Right now though, I wasn't really sure if I liked it or not. I had tried to get away from this boy because he didn't understand what I wanted to say, and still, he followed me. Not even in my own thoughts did this made sense, but somehow in my heart, it did.  
  
It was quiet for a while, as neither of us could find any words to express what we wanted to say to each other. I let my hand slide down into my left pocket and I toyed with the chewing gums that were still laying there, now free from the paper packet as it seemed to have been ripped apart somehow. Finally, I took up a handful of gums and threw them into the rubbish bin. No more chewing gums for me, thank you very much.  
  
Heero's eyes followed the last one of the light green objects as it missed the bin and fell onto the floor instead. Whoops - busted. Game over.  
  
I sighed before looking up. "Well, what do you want?"  
  
He didn't answer so I continued, throwing questions at him with an unfair speed - he didn't had a chance to answer either of them. "Do you want to stay? Are you planning to find a job? Why are you here? Shouldn't you be with Relena?"  
  
The last one was unfair, and I knew it - even before I saw him flinch, both in surprise and hurt. I knew that he didn't like the girl, he told me that, months ago - dammit! I was his best friend for goodness sake! Well, at least I had been..  
  
"Why should I be with her?" He asked - raising an eyebrow as he peered at me, making me feel stupid for ever saying that. I was glad that I didn't blush; everything would have felt too obvious then. My feelings, I mean.  
  
"Ahh, nothing. Just checked."  
  
"You're jealous."  
  
It seemed like it was such an easy thing to say from his point of view, but it caught me by such surprise that I choked on my soda. Yup - when it's not a gum it's something else. "Why.. do.. what?" My attempts to speak while coughing failed. When I had managed to clear my throat, I tried again. "What?"  
  
//With all my might I try But this I can't deny//  
  
His statement hadn't been malicious, smug, or even sad. It was just a simple statement but maybe, just maybe there was a small hint of surprise in his voice as he spoke the words..?  
  
"You're jealous." He repeated.  
  
I stared at him. "What makes you say that?"  
  
// I play it off but I'm dreamin of you I'll keep my cool but I'm fiendin//  
  
He let go of the glass with his right hand and gestured carefully at one of his eyes, but he never said anything - just stared at me with a strange expression in his dark blue eyes. I stared back into them and I wondered when his eyes had gotten so expressive, but maybe it was I who had learnt how to read him after having been close friends in a year. I could see that he was nervous and in a twisted sort of way, it made me feel delighted.  
  
I hadn't realized how my grip on the glass had tightened until I was beginning to feel tired in my fingers. "What makes you say that?" I asked again, raising my voice slightly as if it would force him to answer.  
  
"Because of me?"  
  
I repressed a shiver as he said this, he sounded so clueless and lonely. I lowered my eyes and I didn't know what to say. I heard him put the glass on the table and then the slight sound of footfalls as he came closer to me. A second later, I was staring into his eyes again as I rose my blue-violet ones and I felt a cool hand touch my cheek. His eyes glowed in warmth.  
  
"We have survived the war." He told me. "Are you going to live like this for the rest of your life?"  
  
I was now very aware of my cheek, it was like every nerve in the body part had decided to work better and usual and I had now a heightened sense of feeling there. "No.".  
  
"Then what are you doing here?"  
  
I shrugged, realizing that I hadn't got a good enough answer on the question.  
  
"Can I stay with you?"  
  
Once again, he surprised me and for a moment, it felt like I would drown in those eyes. I was suddenly aware of myself nodding slowly, so slow that my braid didn't even whip from side to side as I moved on my head, and my hand had somehow sneaked up to touch the one he stroked my cheek with. "Ye-yes." Was what I managed to say, my voice breaking.  
  
Then he kissed me. I was just as aware of my lips that I recently had been of my cheek, and for a short moment I thought I was dreaming. The world was just a dream that I would soon wake up from and I would realize that I was lying in my uncomfortable bed in this small motel, alone. One of his hands sneaked to my back as he gradually pulled back from the kiss before mildly pushing me up in a standing position, close to his chest.  
  
"Is this alright?" He asked me, worried, and I realized how stiff I was in his arms. I let myself relax and nodded slightly.  
  
"Yes." I breathed. "It's alright."  
  
//I try to say good bye and I choke I try to walk away and I stumble Though I try to hide it it's clear My world crumbles when you are not near//  
  
*******  
  
The End  
  
*******  
  
[1] When I read this chapter through a last time before posting it, I realized that I've read that sentence earlier somewhere else (actually on *more* than one story). I'm terribly sorry if it's *your* story it came from and you somehow feel offended that I'm using it, I hate plagiarism, but I couldn't bring myself to change it right before posting it. Sorry 'bout that. 


End file.
